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We get lots of emails from missionaries on Mondays, and I especially love the ones that highlight some of the cultural differences that our missionaries are experiencing in different parts of the world. In hopes that our kids will some day have observations to share with us about the people they spend their mission time with, I am going to share how to live like an Iowa- AKA, the things that are of note in Iowa that may or may not exist in other cultures.
1. Have fierce loyalty to a gas station and declare your love for the pizza it serves. Who knew this was such a big deal? Iowans. Pizza from a gas station is an Iowa must-try, and sometimes it's the only option. Just across the Mississippi River from Iowa in Nauvoo there have been several times when gas station pizza has literally been our only option for a hot meal. Thank goodness it's so tasty, especially the breakfast pizza from Casey's!
2. Have an adorable lack of understanding about how relatively underwhelming the local natural attractions are- I've mentioned this one before, but whether I'm talking to an Iowan about skiing in the Rocky Mountains, boat jumping and island snorkeling off the coast of Brazil, or hiking in Glacier National Park, without a doubt someone will counter my story with, "Yes, but have you been to Ledges??" And we love Ledges! It's a great place to spend an afternoon and certainly the closest thing to hiking that we're going to find around here, but it's definitely not a national park and for a very good reason!
A close second is a reference to Lake Okoboji (the 'Cancun of the Midwest') as the only place that any sensible Iowan would ever want to experience sand, sun, and water. Iowans exude a blissfully contended feeling about where they live. Why explore the world when you live in such a great state? We fight pretty hard against that one in our family and take every chance we can to see the world!
3. Base your summertime frame of reference around the state fair. Understandably, Iowans are very proud of our state fair, as it's one of the biggest and longest running fairs in the country. It's a common question to ask someone if they've seen the butter cow yet or ask them what kind of foods on a stick they're looking forward to eating this year, all kinds of creative people enter all kinds of creations to be judged, and even the school schedule is based on when the fair is over.
4. Merge a mile or more before it's actually necessary. Boy this one drives me bonkers (see what I did there?). As soon as Iowans see the sign for an upcoming merge, they promptly and politely do so, leaving the left lane open for far longer than is ever necessary. I learned how to drive outside of Washington DC and I have no problem zipping right past all of those kind cars to budge right into the front of the line (bonus tip- use the word 'budge' like the rest of the world says 'cut').
5. Have ISU, U of I, or UNI vanity plates on your car that declare your allegiance. If you've got ISU plates, try to incorporate CY (the mascot cardinal) into your cheeky little message. Similarly, put a school rock in your front yard or paint the mascot on your driveway. The truest of all Iowans will even paint their garage interior the colors of their school, which is perfect since many Iowans put TVs, chairs, and even bars in their garages so they can watch the game while also enjoying the hot and humidity of the outdoors.
6. Don't freak out about tornados. Learn within the first month of living here that the sirens are tested at 11 AM on the first Saturday of every month. Explain to others the difference between a tornado watch and a warning. Proudly swap stories about the worst natural disasters you have encountered while living here- admittedly, we love to tell and hear the stories of the 2022 tornado in nearby Winterset, the widespread damage of the 2020 derecho and the shock of the 2018 flooding in Ankeny.
7. Similarly, don't freak out about subzero temperatures. Embrace them. Happily cancel everything and hunker down when necessary, but then bundle up and get on with life the rest of the winter. It's funny, but there really are levels of cold that require different coats. Until it's heavy coat season (consistently below zero with a wind chill that takes it to at least -20), you don't really have much to fuss about.
8. Have all or most of your extended family nearby. Maybe this one is standard for anywhere in the world, but as 'transplants' to the state, we are definitely in the minority as people who have no family anywhere even remotely close to us. We are most often asked if we're from Iowa, and if not, why we are here. Corn is a perfectly acceptable answer.
9. Be religious. Attend any of the nearby megachurches, preferably the one that offers the most impressive array of youth activities, tastiest coffee shop, best worship band, and most flexible service schedule. Bonus points to the churches that offer multiple Saturday evening services and Sunday services as early as 7:30 AM so as to make yourself available to all sports practices and games that fill up the rest of the Sunday hours.
10. Be incredibly proud of your state and happy to simultaneously encourage and discourage people from moving here. It's a great place to live, a horrible place to visit, and we are happy with the population levels just the way they are, thank you very much! Iowans have the mindset that everyone should be so lucky to live in such a wonderful place as the heart of the Midwest, and they are so happy to be here (and so are we!)
