Nurturing Marriage After the Children Come

I wrote this for a stake conference I was asked to speak at back in 2007, when I was more of an "expert" on marriage and family than I am now.  Still found the advice to be applicable today.

During General Conference last weekend, I baited my family with what I thought was a question with an obvious answer.  “Guess who’s speaking at our Stake Conference?” I asked.  “John Bytheway? Sherry Dew?  David Bednar?” were their answers.  My confidence was a little shaken, as I had to answer, “No, me.”  I would gratefully turn my time over to any one of those more experienced speakers to hear what they have to say about a topic that I feel I know so little, but I am grateful for the opportunity I have had to study it out.  

We have been given many excellent resources to help us learn more about the importance of marriage and families and ways that we can improve each.  The Proclamation to the World on the Family clearly states the roles of men and women in their relationships with one another and their children.  “A husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”  

The Stake 4x4 Plan provides simple actions that allow us to grow as individuals and as families.  Family prayer and scripture study, family home evening, paying our tithing and temple attendance are all practices that will bring us closer together as a family and to our Heavenly Father.  

We have one nine month-old daughter, and as I have thought about this topic over the last few weeks, I realized that she has taught me many of the principles that can nurture my marriage.  When considering the “time and all eternity” that we will be together with our spouse, our marriage can be considered in the infant stage as well.  Here are few of the basic principles I’ve learned from my daughter that can also be applied to marriage.

1. Keep your needs simple.  Infants are happiest when their basic needs are met- well rested, well fed, a dry diaper and lots of love are generally all they need to be happy.  How much happier would we be if we were content with a quiet night at home, a mundane household chore done without asking, or a sincere ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’?  If we keep our needs simple, we will find that it is easier to please one another and that we are more content with one another.  

2. Devote time to each other.  Leah is the happiest when she is playing with Mom or Dad, and will quickly crawl up into our laps at every chance she can.  When we are away from her for too long, she makes it clear that she would rather be with us than the baby-sitter.  Do we show the same enthusiasm to our spouse when we have the chance to be together?  Do we take time to show our love for each other at the end of the day?  Planning a successful date night can be more difficult with children, but this time helps my husband and I to reconnect with one another as adults and gives us a chance to remember the reasons why we fell in love in the first place.  And on the nights when an adult-only date isn’t an option, we still make sure to spend quality time together as a family.

3. Lower unnecessary expectations.  Our daughter does not notice the days that I don’t do my hair or make the bed.  She doesn’t notice when my husband doesn’t put his dirty socks in the hamper or gets home from school a few minutes later than usual.  We should also lower the expectations that we have of one another, and be a little more understanding when things don’t go according to our plan.  We are usually our own worst critic, and don’t need our spouse to point out the weaknesses that we are already well aware of.  Matthew 7:1 states “Judge not lest ye be judged.” 

Elder Joe J. Christensen tells the familiar story of a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters who read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage, couples should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying.  She wrote: “I started off… I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit.  He peeled it and ate it like an orange!  Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that.  Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?...”

“After I finished with my five, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me.  He said, “Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, honey.”  

“Gasp.” 

I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face.”  Sister Walters concluded, “Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the ‘Grapefruit Syndrome’.”  

Yes, at times it is better to leave some things unsaid.  

4. Listen and learn more than you talk and judge.  When dealing with our spouse, we often quickly judge each other and have more to say than is probably necessary.  Our daughter has been an example to me because she has so little to say about me or my husband that is negative.  Speaking of his 60th wedding anniversary, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Develop and maintain a respect for one another.  You have to give and take in marriage.  Another thing is a soft answer, keeping your voice down.  There will be differences but don’t get stirred up over them.  Just be quiet and calm and speak softly to one another.”  

Proverbs 15:1 states “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.”  Although there will be moments where it may seem justified to lose your temper, I have found that it is always better to remember what our daughter would say- nothing at all.

5. Forgive quickly.  We are in the process of teaching our daughter that sleeping through the night is a good thing.  This means that every few nights, we have to leave her in her crib to help her realize that it is still night time.  Last week, after a particularly painful night, my husband and I woke up certain that our daughter would be just as grumpy as we were feeling.  But when we went into her room to get her up for the day, she greeted us with a great big smile.  

In whatever shortcomings we have as parents, she is always quick to forgive.  A hug and a smile is usually all she needs before she has forgotten the incident and moves on.  We should be as quick to forgive our spouse for small misunderstandings or accidents.  Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 states “I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”  

And lastly, my daughter has taught me that 6. Sometimes, you just need to cry.  President David O. McKay once said, “A child has a right to feel that in his home he has a place of refuge, a place of protection from the dangers and evils of the outside world.”  Similarly, we as adults need a place where we can let our guard down, relax, and unwind from the day.  Challenging classes, demanding church callings and impatient bosses at work can leave us feeling overwhelmed.  Our homes should be a place where we can leave such stresses behind.  If we demand that our spouse perform to the best of their ability at all times, eventually, they will run out of steam.  We need to provide for each other the trust and love that accepts differences, shortcomings and even failures. 

Elder James E Faust said “We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, integrity, and by administering and sustaining each other in our difficulties.  The soul of the marriage is greatly enriched and the spiritual growing process is greatly strengthened when a couple becomes parents.  Parenthood should bring the greatest of all happiness.  Men grow because as fathers they must take care of their families.  Women blossom because as mothers they must forget themselves.  We understand the full meaning of love when we become parents.”  

We should be happier and our marriages stronger after the children come.  Although parenthood brings with it an entirely new set of challenges and adventures, it also provides the chance for a husband and wife to grow even closer together.

The Savior has said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come into him.”  I have a testimony that the presence of the Lord will be with us as we strive to grow closer together as a couple and as a family.  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.